For Mothers of preemies out there, I am happy to report that Carter was assessed today for development/delay. He is tracking at 4 and 5 mos and is 4 months adjusted. As I said to my Grandmother today, it is all about God. We are so blessed and he is just so amazing...I love his smiles,his laugh and his hold. He had me from hello.

On a different note, I have been doing my usual "drug store junkie" shopping. I am particualy addicted to magazines. (and shampoo:0)) So I ran across the cover of Brittany with her new body on it. Now, I realize I could only hope to be known by one name and add to that a name that they could print:)

She looks amazing, don't get me wrong. I just wish "we normal folks" were judged by the same standard in the world of pageantry. (Did I say normal? She is at least a 4!)

Where is my cover?

Hid my bikini.....:)

Tonight Andy and I were watching the daytime Emmy's. Being an aspiring artist ( aren't we all) , I found myself in a world of dreams I onced lived. So close I could touch it and so far away, eternity prevailed. General Hospital had many spots on feed the children. I was humbled. We live in a world that food or McDonalds is a given ( although I was once hit by a big mac after giving it to a homeless man)

I asked my husband if he ever saw this in Iraq. A subject he avoids. I could tell he had and much worse. His commanding officer lost his son on Andy's first tour.

My hope is the world does not get caught up in an anology of what was but remembers what is. May no child ever go hungry, no parent ever loose a child and WE ALL find the unconditional love we were born with.

So I was watching "Real Housewives" and something struck me. I have always been forgiving or understanding of those who have not walked in my shoes and handle life as such. At what point do you hope they are there for you? When do you stop feeling guilty and disappointed for that?

I always promised myself I would not be one of those girls with high school hair. You know them, they come back to your reunion sporting the same "do" they did 10 plus years ago. Now this is done for many reasons. Security in once what made them "in", not wanting to look older, fear of change or the always existing....I have no idea what to do so let's grow it so long that they might sing ,"don't it make my brown eyes blue":)))

I personally love fashion but when it comes to my hair, well I suffer from all of the above. Sprinkle in a husband who might pass out or go for the younger fawn (kidding, kind of:) I have NO idea what I should do. Daily I hope that Tyra Banks may show up to give me a Mommy make over. But as my doorbelll continues to lay dorment I ask myself, should I throw myself on Rockefellow center and pray for an ambush makeover? After being blonde, brunette, red, green(don't ask), I am back in High School with my hair. Good thing that spiral perm never took.

It has been a great week for me as my family has been in town. My wonderful Brother, Lois Lane and Benjamin have once again brought out the tourest in me. We saw the Hope Diamond which raised my expectations of upgrading my wedding ring, many MANY MANY monuments and I did embrace the vendor hot dog. I firmly believe that you do not gain weight when on vacation...even if its not your vacation.

This weekend...drum roar.... Andy's sister is getting married so we are travelling North. This, of course, is where I am able to sport the missing (but found) bridesmaid dress.

Nothing is better than a wedding, especially if you are in the bridal party. Not only are you able to wear a dress that will never go out of style (they need to be in style first:), be victim to the ever frightful spiral prom hair do but you are also able to down a magnum of champagne in the am hours while at the salon. Well, if its mixed with OJ, I do support that tradition....it is five o clock somewhere.

So as I prepare for my exciting weekend and more family, I ask myself....Isn't it five o'clock somewhere ALL THE TIME? Hum...survival!

Keep in mind I am not old, although some had me at 90 prior to International:) However, I embrace the fountain of youth! Thus I am lubed up like the next generation of GREASE in my hopes to maintain my youth as I write this.Every night a new creme and another hope. Saying that, my wonderful sis...Lois Lane is visiting with BIG BRO and Little B....love the family:) So today we journeyed out in DC and tonight I am spritzed with Giorgio. That's right, the infamous fragrance from the 90's so I am reliving my youth or hers...ok ours but I am in denial.

I love Lois Lane but am concerned that a spiral perm, 20 hours of Micheal Jackson and a quart of White Zinfandel (or mad dog 20/20 as my sis is coaching me to say (she is a little older) :))))may follow!

I have come to realize a few key points in my life today. One, I am a neat freak addicted to smell of pine sole and secondly, I am a natural blonde. That's right, after years of spending money at the salon(lately $300 +) , baby pictures of me being a toe head with curly hair (what happened to them?) I discovered via Loreal, I am in fact a NATURAL BLONDE and the box says so.... so it must be true! I have to admit, my new found obsession with the beauty aisle at out local stores has had me thirsting for more. Yesterday I ventured into ULTA which happened to be right next to Buy Buy Baby so I am still a good Mother...WOW. Gold mind! In the next hour, I should have Stiletto lashes, naturally blonde hair, a flawless complexion and a well dressed son (courtesy of Buy Buy Baby:) All in under 30 minutes...times change!

Motherhood, not so bad....off to the shower...

I love technology. I love that I can tweet, face book, my space and even blog. We keep in touch, make new friends, reunite with old friends and the...drum roar...the old girlfriend FACE BOOKS the husband. Is this something we should worry about as it was in the 90's and we all had hair half our body size? Why do you ask did she face book????? Is she still single? Can you ever REALLY be friends with an ex?
Maybe she is just FRIENDLY?

How do you be a good, secure wife when this happens? (frankly....it is an EX SO HECK NO! NO NEW FRIEND FOR YOU! AREN'T I ENOUGH! (refer to the vow of "just me" here)


So be it that I am a flood of compliments these days, well receiving them from my Fre enemies that is, so I feel confident in his new long lost rekindle on FACE BOOK.

Is it wrong that I am OK with it and are hoping she is as big as Texas?

Today the good wife, if she is hot can you say DELETE!

I am one who appreciates compliments. I am not the most confident and hey, who doesn't want to be told they look good, right? I have come to realize that there are many different kinds of compliments and some that are actually insults but disguised in the verbiage of a friendly exchange of words between you and what same may call..."YOUR FRI ENEMIES". These are "friends" on a social net working site, the girl next door, the family you are forced to tolerate and even yes, someone you might consider a friend. Sad but true. Lately there have been a few exchanges that have left me feeling like I was side swiped by a tiara.

Personal favorites: What was said and what I was thinking.

"You look really tired, are you o.k?"~"Did you really just say that right before I compete? I was (note WAS) really having a great time and thought I looked good. I knew I should have hired a makeup artist. Wait I AM ONE. WT....."

"WOW (emphasise on the WOW), you lost weight"~ "Why yes I did. I HAD A BABY when you saw me last. What was I, a HEIFER at a size 4!!!!"

"If I were AS SHORT AS YOU, I would have altered those shorts" (said right before a fitness event)~"Well, if I did you would have reported me too and I am not that SHORT! You are just REALLY tall! REALLY, REALLY TALL!"

I guess when it comes down to it, compliments are what you make of them. So I will just assume I am a thin, petite exhausted Mom. Hey I am! (roll with me on thin:))))

I am huge fan of "better living through chemistry". It is true, I have at least used exfoliater:))))

I was speaking to a friend of mine about the "girls". Lets face it, I am a Florida girl so at least 62% of those residing in the sunshine state have something to smile about, or at least their other half does. So I was living in Alabama and had the privilage of hotel care so thought why not, lets get exfoliated.

A few notes of reference, when someone tells you they where exfoliated and took took aspirin and were fine, THEY LIED! Secondly, if you exfoliate a 1/2 sack and it is suddeningly a few pounds more, they shine like two trapped ballons ready to bust. They sit so high you can eat off them

Positive note, I can always rely on them. They never let me down, literally!

So when embracing chemistry, remember that science or the phrase "practicing medicine" is there for a reason. They always need something to pratice on! Carter in fact was made through the love of chemistry and I have to love that!

The past weekend was a little rough on me. No real reason, no dramatic moments (besides the occasional discussion with my husband on shoes:)and really nothing to complain about. I have my health, my son's health, the love of a good man and PLENTY OF SHOES. (at least for today:))) However, I am missing my parents. They both passed away in June and July but there are just some days/times where I just miss them. They both died of heart disease at 54 and 56 years of age. I have had many who wondered why I did not change my "platform" for pageants to heart disease. It is a fair and honest question and one that I have asked myself.

I first started volunteering with the American Heart Association in 2000. This was before the platform world but something I just felt passionate about. Little did I know that I would lose the most important people in my life (at the time) to heart disease. My Mom had her first stroke in her 30's and had always been "sick". I was very young and I think I blamed myself for so much. I remember running away as a teen and my Father saying, "Do you know what you did to your Mother?". That I will never forget. In retrospect, I realize I had nothing to do with it but as a teenager, the world is on your shoulders and fault can always be found because we aren't exactly the most confident. Especially me. I wasn't the prom queen but I was an honors student. A lost student at times but I think every teenager is.

Move forward many years, many losses and a day in Florida that I will never quite understand. My Dad owned a business and had a temper but also a lot of love. He got so upset in the morning due to business that he blew out his mitral valve. Considering he accidentally cut his finger off a few months earlier and drove himself to the hospital, his stubborn nature made him think he was OK. I was working that day and called him. His response was tell your Mom I am fine. That is the kind of man he was, always fine. (I will only share with you the definition of F.I.N.E in person:)))) Well about 5pm he called my Brother, two weeks later and a double valve replacement he passed away. Move forward two years and my Mom was found deceased at the house in Georgia after surgery. She had St Jude valves and my dad pig valves. (this sounds odd but is what is used based on the patients age and status) I did find it funny that my Mom's valves came with a warranty, what were we going to collect????

For me, it wasn't a platform but part of my life. I also have to admit that it was hard for me to talk about for a few years as it was personal...really personal. Nobody wants a babbling beauty queen. To me, everything that Andy and I have done with the Armed Forces hopefully helps in a world that is forgotten. Especially as 911continue to be move further away in some minds. Trust me though, not in the minds of those who serve daily.

Carter had a PDA ligation in January on his heart. He is doing great. I guess we are just a family of big hearts, a lot of emotion and forever love. I am ok with that. When I go to pick up the phone, I just look to the heavens and know they are there 24/7. I am sure my Dad would love to have told Andy that I dream and love shoes. Well I should, they made me that way! As my Father always said, if you give up your dreams you die. So, for now, I'll just keep dreaming.

I have come to understand that "nesting" is a part of new Motherhood. Because Carter was born so early, my nesting went on for months. I cleaned, I scrubbed, I sanitized, had the carpets cleaned and even decided to start washing the walls and every door just in case my son actually decided to crawl up them. He has always been an over achiever so I thought that I should prepare just in case:) My house carried with it the fresh aroma of pine sole and the sparkle of a new day.

Move forward three months, WHAT HAPPENED????? The diaper genie over flows (not a pretty scent there), the furry family has forgotten that the carpet is not grass, the cat can't find the litter box (as if it has moved), the laundry just keeps growing and the only sparkle left is the faint reflection of sunlight that occasionally peeks through the cloudy glass that once was SPOTLESS.

Now I am not a fan of clutter. I pride myself on organization and attention to detail. All are traits that are GONE with the exhaustion that comes with sleepless nights and days full of appointments.

Time, where does it go? Food preparation has me wondering if my husband would mind if I just served his food in a bottle.For dinner yesterday, I ate chips. Yes, chips and a lot of them....My journal entry read chips, 10 servings but I figured if I consumed my 1200 calories for the day in one setting, I was still on track. Makes sense, right?

We did actually manage to clean the garage yesterday. Well, not really "clean" but reorganize. What forced this rare occasion was my search for a missing bridesmaid dress. That's right, a missing BRIDESMAID DRESS. These are the dresses that we are all forced to buy and know we will never wear again. We like to think we would and we tell ourselves we can as we drop the hundreds of dollars on dresses that come in the shades that only an easter egg should ever be seen in. I had purchased a dress a few years ago for my sister in laws wedding that was delayed. The one good thing about a bridesmaid dress is because they are never "IN STYLE" so they never really go out of style.

I am happy to report that after some initial panic, the dress was recovered still in its plastic. Today, the challenging part. I get to try it on...ok maybe I will wait a day or two until the chips digest...

Anyone who is married or has been married knows that there comes a time when you fight. Well,we do this before we get married so why not continue on with the tradition, right? Some are big, some are small and some make no sense AT ALL (insert quirky rhyme here:)especially if a glass of wine or two was in the mix. Yes, it is true, I have been know to have a glass or two of wine. (yes, shocking but I am over 21) Not all the time but on a Friday night, it is nice to have a glass or two to decompress from the week.

(disclaimer:)If you are under 21 I don't endorse or recommend this.

So, we met up with friends, I had some wine and yes, our Friday night fight began. I am such a lame drinker that we have actually labeled my stupidity. Most of the time it is about NASCAR, clothes, shoes and the always present BUDGET (aka, spreadsheet)! You see, I am married to a military man. More than that but a military man that went to West Point. Mind you he some how has forgotten how to make a bed (wasn't that a course he took?????) but still we live off a spreadsheet. We are blessed enough that we are good financially, not great but good, however my husband plans for the future and I for the day. I firmly believe that I will be walking in those over priced shoes for years to come and on Friday night, it doesn't matter. I am right, you are wrong. This was a vow we took I am sure of that and I AM WRITE AND YOU ARE WRONG:) He did say I do, so why the argument? He believes that that one pair of black shoes should last forever. Are you KIDDING ME? Heels change! Pointy, square, round toe...come on! Black is not just black. It is BLACK!

Keep in mind, I am not alone in this as my perfect husband has been known to pick a fight or two (or just tell me that I may not be perfect...huh, what?) So he gets Mon-Thursday with Saturday being up for grabs.

Have I mentioned lately how much I just love Sunday :)

PS and my hubby.....(and Carter of course...and halo...josie...jack:)

Is it really August already? House payment made, check. Utilities paid, check. Grocery list, check. Carters updated appointments scheduled, check. Weight...hum.

We make schedules everyday. They come in the form of honey do list, personal list, personal wants, what we are writing down but know will never happen list and one of my personal favorites...THE DAILY FOOD DIARY/WEIGHT GOAL list.

I decided to use one of my iPhone apps and set up a nutrition/dieting goal sheet. (aka...list) As I made my first entry, I already thought about cheating. Was that really a WHOLE chicken breast? I mean I did leave some residue on the on the plate and that had to have been good for at least 50 calories. Does eating a Weight Watchers Cookies and Cream bar at 5am really count as today? I did go back to sleep???? Probably not, lets just not include that.

I was brave and SCALED it. Personally, I find a scale to be a morale and degrading device that is forced upon us as a BENCHMARK as to what we are weight wise and what we could be. It is not REALLY accurate as to who we are. For instance, I weigh...cough, sputter, sneeze (insert fantasy weight here) and people think I weigh something else. Doesn't matter, I could weigh a version of Kate Moss and people still have opinions.

I have a friend of mine who was recently ridiculed on one of those tabloid sites:) being called too THIN. I wanted to scream for her...TOO THIN! ARE YOU BLEEPING KIDDING ME!!!! They make shows on weight loss, dieting companies thrive on weight loss stories and in this current economic state we all still want to be called TOO THIN!!!!! People always look for something. Me, I would be good with TOO THIN. Even when I just balance on one foot on the scale (yes, I actually have done this), TOO THIN has never popped up.

I am happy that MOST of the baby weight is gone; however, not all of the body is the same. What is up with the baby weight muffin top. Huh???? I carried him in the front! The scale is still not my friend and I am sure it is off on its assessments of me. I have come to the conclusion that the scale and the dry cleaners are in cahoots to shrink my close and supply me with false information. Shady cleaners....;)

On another note, yes, I did embrace the shower today with my new long hair shampoo and conditioner. Not bad, I am glad it knew I didn't have a crew cut. Carter and I met with the speech pathologist. Yes, at 4 months corrected he is talking. Kidding:) Carter has a gtube and they evaluate his eating pattern with the bottle and I am happy to report that just like Mommy, he likes his food and can down it in record time!!!!

One of those days....

As I was looking around for a box to send my work computer back in I ran across the infamous...Diapers.com box. You gotta love a box that reads like a banner ad that will no doubt raise question when it arrives back to my "former" corporate office. Is someone expecting? Affair? What don't I know?

That is, however, the reason they let me go so why not just send it back to them as such.

It is the little pleasures....

Today I was greeted with excitement. UPS came. It is the little things that happen when you are at home, and even when you aren't, that make you feel like it is Christmas morning. We order things (our first fix) and then get them in (the SURPRISE:) and walla....its like Christmas morning! So what could it be I asked myself, as if I didn't know, yet still surprised.

Excitement bubbled. Anticipation happened...drum roar please...

Diapers.com!!! The life of a Mommy. Not Competitive Image, not Macy's, not Nordstroms but Diapers.com. I was so excited to receive wet wipes, formula and a rattle that my day was made. Really, no one ever knows the true value of a wet wipe until you pull out a dry one. Not pretty.

I did however splurge on new haircare today, a little something for Mommy. Herbal Essence for long hair, as if it knows the actual length of my hair?????? So tomorrow, I face the shower again. Lurking in front of me, water, soap, shampoo...My excitement continues. I am now in the 2.99 plus category of haircare....moving up the chain. If I could only get my face to match my body in color. Still wearing off the spray tan. Did I mention you need to clean the BOTTOM OF YOUR FEET right after you spray!!!!! Another day....another shower.....

Today was a momentous day, Carter had an appointment with the Neurologist, so I showered...yes all of me. My hair was the biggest task especially using SUAVE. That's right, I have begun to clip coupons and use Suave. It was disastrous. Lets face it, some corners are just not made to be cut with long hair. I think I did more harm to the environment using the gallons of water I used to get out almost half the bottle of conditioner I used. Granted, combing my hair over the past few days may have helped but I felt I at least gave due diligence to the commercialism of what products say they can do....and what they can't:(

So as I sat waiting, because I was late of course, I was reading through emails on my IPHONE. ( a product I love) I ran across one from someone I know asking advice on a world some know as "VOY" others know it as the , "evil spawn of satan that lies within some that allow the posting of hateful comments in the name of free speech".

I know we all love to tell our children or perhaps we have heard it from our parents, that how people are in high school is not how they will be or who they will remain when they grow up. Really???? Can anyone say MEAN GIRLS ALL GROWN.

Voy is a TABLOID...for lack of a better description. Starting about three weeks prior to Mrs International I became somewhat of a point of discussion. I had no shine, my fertility, my days were over (what am I 90????) and that I would do nothing, nada, ZERO....My personal favorite was that maybe I was the moderator myself. Why yes, my lifelong dream is to WRITE THINGS ABOUT MYSELF ACROSS THE WORLD WIDE WEB THAT WOULD INCLUDE MY FERTILITY, MY CHILD AND ME BEING A WASH UP. Silly...it would have read something like this....skinny, perfect, cindy crawford type with the IQ of EINSTEIN and married to the king of xyz...seeks the position of Mrs International 2009. Come on, see how silly....oh voy....


Then during the pageant itself, people commented on my SMILE, yes, my smile...why does it never change you ask??? It looks the same ALL THE TIME. Well, its a SMILE for gosh sakes.....it shouldn't change, I was SMILING! Gesh....The sad thing is, I am aware of a few moderators and asked one to remove it when it started. She told me she was too busy and I should just focus on winning and stop reading them. FINALLY, about a day before I left, it was removed...THREE WEEKS LATER....yes, a "friend" I met through pageantry.

OK so my thoughts....most who have ever done a pageant or have been around a pageant at least know of voy. We HATE IT, we claim we never read it, we never post and it doesn't bother us...all of which is a lie...except maybe the posting which I don't do because trust me...they know who you are and even the kindest of statement can turn into ugly. What worried me was that often judges come from the pageant world and they may have formed an unfair opinion of me based on what they read. Like it or not, this is reality.

There are so many beautiful ladies and gents in pageantry. Some have become some of my best friends; however, like every sports team and/or social situation, there will always be someone who "enjoys" knocking you down if they can, especially if they don't have to sign their name. If only judges could really see who they are but then again, we put ourselves out there to be judged. So we need to deal with it or stop competing. It is just life.

Yes, pageantry is fun....five to six complete strangers judging us in five minutes. Then we spend the next few months judging ourselves for a judgement that was made on us in FIVE MINUTES by complete strangers....

You can never stop what someone writes about you (ok sometimes you can if you have a good attorney) or assumes about you in what they read. You can only control WHO YOU ARE ON THE INSIDE and HOW YOU ARE TO OTHER PEOPLE. So my suggestion is to just be yourself, respect each other, love your family, friends and God( what TRULY MATTERS) and get out there and live life. If that includes a pageant, good for you. At least you have the courage to do what some only write about.

In closing....a quick update on Carter, he is having an EEG this week. Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers but realize that there is NO HURDLE you cannot get through with love, faith, family and friendships. He may have had a seizure but this is something that is treatable. He just smiled at me so we are doing good....keeping it real.

You know it is funny how you go through your life, education and career goals to have everything just come to a sudden stop when you become unemployed. I am not a good unemployed person as I am very ambitious and motivated. HOWEVER, I have come to realize that being a Mother is also a FULL TIME job. One huge benefit is that you really don't need to get dressed for it. (as I sit here in my robe at 12:30pm with residue of yesterdays makeup on my face:)) I was up at 1am, 3am...awake until 5am and then back up at 6:22am. I think only when you can't sleep or are denied sleep do you actually note the 6:22am and not just 6am because it just keeps flashing in your mind with each yawn. ...

Carter is sleeping finally but smiled at me constantly this morning. So because of the smile, sleep is not necessary. Just makes it all so worthwhile. So I am off to web job search, a little vacuuming, toilet cleaning and teeth brushing. Ahhh, I feel so glamorous...

Did I mention our dog Jack got sick all over the house this morning? Then I got sick, then he got sick....you get the picture....