XPLANT!!!!!

 Hi all~

Its been a while but I AM BACK! Why now, why not? This way you don't have to scroll past by long winded FB post:) LOL

So lets chat. 

A few years ago I moved to TEXAS!!!! I LOVE IT. I am a Floridian so the weather does not bother me at all, except....I miss the ocean. It was an interesting move as it brought my family back together again. My husband and I separated for a few years in DC and I have always remained as having primary custody. However, Carter's Dad is a great Dad, one might say fantastic Dad, so I included him in all family trips. One was Disney! 

It was Carter's first trip and I was blessed to have Anna and John Daly help in making this Disney wish happen. I am FOREVER blessed and GRATEFUL. 

This trip and the magic if Disney made us a family again so when I got a job in Texas, my husband (we never divorced), moved together for the family. I had moved many times for his military service so it was time for me to move for me and my future...with Carter and the pups. 

We arrived in March of 2019 and quickly settled in. It did not come without what follows me, drama, but I was happy to be out of DC. Carter, my AMAZING SON, has cerebral palsy and his very last day of school was tipped over and his arm was broken at school. He's in a wheelchair so it just became a diatribe of who's fault AT SCHOOL it was that resulted in...he rolled himself off the curb. WAY TOOOO MUCH CYA!

Three month's later...my life changed FOREVER......

My Voice

Its has taken me some time to just be me after chaos. Lets talk about the good first! I put myself out their and auditioned for the Voice.  I will be back. One of the best experiences and one fostered a dream. I did ok:)  I have to tell you I all the nerves and crazy was that I met some amazing life long friends. Alicia and Alisha and Meghan....love you all! We kind of did it with a selfie stick, six inch heels and new friend ship.

So I am in fact separated. People seem so shocked but hey I am a pageant girl that can paint a pretty picture. My sons Father is a GOOD MAN. Listen, no one ever says, this is the best divorce ever! For all of the money we are divorcing for I think we just paid the attorneys. Life gives you what it gives you and I have choices. I cannot blame my past on my future. I cannot look to blame with seeing a reflection and I certainly am far from perfect.

I had lost my words but #thevoice and life ironically is giving me back mine....

D

This is my fight song.

It almost feels like years are days and days are years. Its all a blur. I have been so lost for so many reasons. I have been so numb the past few months that I could not find air in a world I once thought was mine to hold and have. Death will do that. The one thing I do is continue to function for my family. After all that's all I should be appreciative of. I say this with sarcasm. I posted on Facebook that I was sad only to get back you should just focus on your husband????? Really? I was once a VP and today I am nothing but a vehicle of subservience? I am a Mom and a great wife but I am still ME. My foundation is there and when he doesn't see it or they don't see it we minus well turn back to 1960 and pray for a right to vote.

In the past few years I have heard some amazing statements from some who literally broke my heart. Your not worth the air anyone breathes will always be my favorite as it lingers with me. You are nothing, will be nothing. Again a favorite. No one will ever love you, the Mother of a disabled child and no one wants to look like the jerk. You've done so much charity and you have a disabled child, I would never want to be in your life. Imagine dating you? Your husband doesn't love you. Your have no family, your parents are dead? It goes on and on...that and I wear 6 inch heels to a state fair. That's sinful!

I'm done as I approach 2016. I'm DONE being a victim to my own mind or ANYONE else's.

Listen I know I am "nothing" to so many but I am "something" and I am meant to be on this earth.

You don't know me at all if you think I am a quitter. I have had amazing people believe in. So to Frank Woods, Morgan Hare, Tom Merrihew, Bud Paxson.

My issue HAS ALWAYS been lack of the belief in myself.

I am far from done. I have NO idea what I am going to do but I am done with tears and fears. Its time to thrive and yes a Mom of a special needs child can and will own amazing.

A Grandpas' true love

In a land far far away, I was built by dreams. I don't have a once upon of time because I am always searching for my time. I realized a lot in my life. First , life is not about me and secondly NO ONE GIVES A DARN. Its just a reality based on a what can you do for me society. Growing up I always had food, clothes and my dreams. We did not come with fortitude. My parents were hardworking. My Father was from Detroit and my Mom from Atlanta. They met when she ran into his car in the notorious hot dog drive in of the era while both on other dates. I guess you could say, I adopted my driving skills from my Mom. My Dad was the tough Englishman who looked so Italian. He cherished that mystery over the years as he sported his Magnum PI sunglasses, drive his Corvette's, Fiero's and anything with two seats. This might make you think he was not the traditional family man. Well he was not.

My Dad built or rebuilt cars with my Brother to include a van with a bed cleverly named "guretrude". I believe my Brother enjoyed the benefits of this rebuild the most. He was a teenager! My Brother was my Dad's son and the first born. I cannot remember how many cars were rebuilt or "injured" by my Brother but that was their thing. I remember going out to the driveway in Georgia where my Dad was doing something to the van and , "The Devil went out to Georgia" was playing. Add some Barbra Mandrell and that was my Dad and pretty much my parents. They, we , us and I , well we are, were and to this day country to the core.

My Mom on the other side was a southern bell. Again, not from affluence but stunning. She had dark eyes, dark skin...beautiful skin, the most perfect nose and so petite. My Mom was adopted by her Father and never met her biological Father but her biological Mom was Indian. Jet black hair, I swear her eyes were too and darked skin. She was as mad as a rattlesnake trapped in anything. She was just hateful. She was so lucky to have married an incredible man named Benjamin W Lee. My love for Pappy is beyond any description. Probably one of the best men I have ever known.

When I was little my parents would ship me off to Moe and Pappy. They lived in Georgia then Florida. Florida, Daytona beach and summertime did not seem so bad in the summer except my Grandmother made me lose weight every summer. She was a HORRIBLE cook. Vinegar was her oil and Budweiser was her water. I looked nothing like her so she embraced ripping my hats off which where in style at the time to prove that my "sun in" look was not real. Pretty much the nightmare of a Grandmother. My Grandfather , Pappy shared in these feelings but catered to her like she was royalty. Her first husband was nicknamed "whitey" and was in a band. Odd how that works out. I have no idea ANYTHING about him except his last name was Antkowiak.

My Pappy, my "real" Grandpa was amazing. Benjamin W Lee. I was in middle school/teen when I stayed with them every summer. I was a "good" girl although I did steal a few beers a time or two to sit on a beach you could drive on. OK I was a teen!

So here he came, every night, at sunset, on the beach. I never got in trouble and he made sure of that. He would pick me up and take me back to the house. Smuggled me a popsicle or too and call me little Jana. My Mom's name.

I wet my bed until the day I moved out at 18 of my family home. When I moved out, that very same day I stopped. When I stayed with Pappy and Moe, he woke me up every night, just to go to the bathroom. He never judged. Clearly I was well beyond diapers but dealing with my own troubles and triumphs.

To this day I wear a crucifix ring on my finger that I picked out from a Sears Catalog that he got me. I'll never take it off. Over the years its just become part of me.  Pappy taught me love, light and protection.

He passed over a Christmas and remains a huge part of any strength in me. He never stopped believing.

My Pappy's love is forever and always part of my foundation.

Gifts

I still remember every moment I have tried to forget. Odd how that happens. Life is ironic. There is a reason I was put there in that moment in time. My youth is an exhausting conversation. I was sick a few years ago at a pageant which seemed to be selfish. I just was sick. Physically and any who know me knows that I wanted to be Mrs. International so to puke on the sidelines was not my fantasy.

I have cardiovascular disease as I had a heart attack and stroke but neurology has an opinion. In my gut, I won't be here next year. I am so blessed for my husband. My amazing husband. I met him in 4 months I married him.......

Wonder Women

In a time a long ago, I remember standing on a picnic table right before the storm. The wind was fierce and the sky was approaching darkness. Somehow the wind gave me breath and as a child it lifted me in a way to inspire dreams. I don't know if it was the warm Georgia winds or the fearless ness at the time but I felt I could do anything. That's the moment my internal fighter was born.

I question, I sit, wonder and have my personal conversations with God (no worries he has not verbally answered back) about my life. In reflection, I see far from 20/20. I just see memories and questions. I have come to see that I am not loved, beloved, adored or admired as a whole. I don't know what I did to make haters hate but I will always own I put myself out there to be judged so don't judge the jury. Law 101.

If you are reading my blog you already know I put "most" things out there and some you never hear about. Its life.

I spent a horrific day at the hospital today. I have hospital PTSD disorder. My ED attending and the staff was beyond kind but I am SOOOOOOO tired of being in a hospital that my flight and fight fully kicked in. I just need someone to come in, test and be done. Is 20 minutes unreasonable? Ok maybe 2 hours but come on....work on the Emergency Departments time! I was transported from my doctors to the ED and this was my wait. Can you imagine triage??

I have no conclusion to this post that is relevant.

My day...I am tired, I am scared and I feel...well...it is what it is.

Halo Love

Its ironic that some people think I put things out there and some think I hide it all. I guess anyone who questions either, probably does not know me at all. I keep a lot of my family/friends  private because as I have been reminded of recently, people take aim at the one's you love most and its not their fault they are in your life and don't have the voice or heart to deal with drama.

My heart is dying today. Piece by piece and I know God has given me a few passes. This I am putting out their because she is love, MY HALO LOVE and my first born. My parents passed in 2001 and 2004. They were both very young and unrelated heart events. I took my Dad's passing hard but quiet. He was 54 and always seemed healthy. He had been the provider, Father, Husband and Grandfather to my family. He was a strong man but stubborn. Which is why he passed. He did not take care of himself. I fear that for my Brother who I adore and admire but he is a bit stubborn also about health issues.

I was having a hard time so one day my Mom shows up at my apartment in Palm Harbor , Florida with a 365 oz puppy. She was a ball of fur as I was sure she was a gerbil at the time. When my Dad passed, Beanie Babies were the rage and I loved the sayings on their tags. I had a little white bear with angel wings and a HALO and its name was Halo. The poem read:

Little angel up above
Guard me with your special love
Make sure that you will always be
By my side and close to me !


Halo passed on September 3 and I feel a pain like I have never felt in my life. With the loss of Halo I also lost my parents again. More so, she has been by my side for 14 and half years through many countries and many journeys. It was just Halo and I (and Josie) for many of those years but Halo never left me, always loved me, always looked for me and kissed away so many tears. She was and will always be my Angel.

I am beyond broken as this is the worst pain of my life.

My heart, my Halo love and just such a part of me.

Mommy misses you and I am forever lost without you. I love you. Please be ok in heaven with no fear, no hurt and a lot of steak and bacon...with mashed potato's.

Frank Woods

The day I arrived at Shop at Home I was greeted by such a kind man asking about my travels after a questionable snow storm in Nashville, Tennessee. Don't laugh, from Atlanta. Little did I know that the man who greeted me was our President and CEO. Frank Woods. I have no idea why but he saw something in me in music and in life. I made 60 million in 6 months so I was awarded the Scripps Howard award and if he could have gotten be a recording deal he would have.

He also took me to the Palm restaurant because I could not afford to go on my own at the time. He believed in me and I in him. It was never a relationship built on anything but friendship, faith and his brown bag.

Frank Allen Woods, age 74, died on May 13, 2015 from complications of Parkinson's disease. Born in Frankfort, Kentucky and raised in Nashville, he is preceded in death by his parents, Allen Woods and Loyce Woods. He is survived by his wife Jayne Ann Woods; daughters, Ashley Woods and Grayson (Russ) Woods Brown; grandchildren, Grayson Jayne and Freddie; brothers, Rondall and Larry (Saralee) Woods; nieces and nephews, and his dog Buddy.Frank's entrepreneurial career began early. In 6th grade, he started with his first paper route, and within several months he had almost doubled his customer base. Frank was a proud graduate of Donelson High School where he was a basketball and debate star and a sometime practical joker. With the help of scholarships, midnight poker games, and a variety of jobs, he spent his college career at Vanderbilt (B.A. 1963, J.D. 1966) becoming a finalist in the National Debate Tournament, serving in the student senate, and campaigning for Democrats. He spent summers working with other Nashville boys in Walla Walla, Washington in a cannery, and stories from these summers have passed into family legend. When asked which of his life's accomplishments he was most proud of, he invariably replied "working my way through Vanderbilt." While in law school, Frank agreed to coach the undergraduate debate team. During this period he met a very special debater, Jayne Ann Owens. They shared a love of debate, politics, and basketball. Married on May 29, 1966, their New Orleans honeymoon lasted only a few days because they were eager to resume campaigning for John J. Hooker in the governor's race. After law school, Frank went to work for Hooker, Hooker, and Willis law firm, then he went to work for Lin Broadcasting. At Lin he had a mentor like none other in Fred Gregg. Gregg taught him the fundamentals of deal making. Frank helped broker deals for Lin, including the purchase of radio and TV stations, an independent record label, and he attempted to buy the Harlem Globetrotters. He went on to run his own businesses, including U.S. Bank, Sun Group, Woods Group, and Woods Capital. He helped launch CMT and Americana cable networks, and brokered a deal for the purchase of Shop at Home network by EW Scripps. Frank was always replete with ideas for new businesses and partnerships. His interest in people and curiosity about life provided him with adventures in business and politics. Frank had a true gift for friendship. If he was your friend, then you had a friend for life. Though his approach to life could often be low-key, his eyes always sparkled with intelligence and humor. Until his Parkinson's diagnosis 12 years ago, he played basketball at the Vanderbilt gym three times a week. He took life with his disease in stride, and he enjoyed many visitors at the Meadows nursing facility. There, all his buddies frequently gathered around him to tell old stories. He will be missed tremendously by his family and friends. - See more at: http://www.legacy.com/obituaries/tennessean/obituary.aspx?pid=174861761#sthash.2ZY0cAib.dpuf

Finding grateful in God.

Its hard to explain things sometimes and some people and situations its hard for me to embrace. Not because I harbor ill will, its because I just don't get it. We are all given our lives and its under the grace of God. Mind you, I cannot quote scripture, but God is always present in my life.  I don't hate and  never did.  (I do remember) I will fully acknowledge my COMPLETE confusion at times.

In case this post is looking you at the face like HUH? It is steming from a heart that tries to learn from the hurt (opinions), grow from mistakes and embrace the situations I cannot possibly control. Social bullying, mean comments and just opinions that are allowed but should never be cast without knowing the source.

I am not going to call people out for personal hate. Its life and not everyone will like you and some just go out of their way not to because it makes their life easier.

Its been years since I lost my parents and they I promise would have ZERO tolerance for social media as a hate tool. Their hearts died and yet this all would have broken their hearts it a catastrophic way.

We can't pick family and sometimes we cannot "friends". What we can choose to do is love who TRULY loves you, embrace your journey.

Each day is our blessing....lets soar with it.

Love, Friendship and Faith~

I am a Mom of special. What does that mean? In my land of silence lays my life of reality. I don't expose my family to reality but the reality is life brings things to life. Here is our story.

Six and a half years ago I was introduced to my miracle. The one that was meant to be....born at 23 weeks with no faith behind him but Mommy and Daddy he arrived. At his own will. For 165 days I sat there, annoying I am sure, the staff . No one sat next to me for 6 months but my husband, Clay, Joey and Terri , Danni and Amy Gregorio and Lois Lane and my in laws.  That when I found belief.

In my most lonely time and in all 165 days, I never felt alone.

To Amy, I remain baffled how I was to loose the friend in you.  Life is a firestorm. I appreciate you.

My children are my world and my world gets caught in dreams sometimes. I have truly learned that the best of me is found in we and God gave me you!

With all my heart and honesty~D

 

 

 

My Bama sister

As many know my sister, Lois Lane is a Breast Cancer survivor. Chemo, radiation and some strength I never knew existed. I am a heart survivor and my story is one I wear from the inside out. I met, last week, one of the most amazing people ever. April Dawson, Mrs. Alabama. We shared a lot amongst some spray tans and friendship. As we got naked in front of each other I saw what she had removed. Her laughed made me comfortable and her story made me realize I truly had no vision in that story. She was a breast cancer survivor and yes her platform is St Jude. She has a St Jude child also.

Every moment with her gave me levity and I found myself looking for the person who gave me a sense of new friendship.

I had a judge ask me last week, why are you more worthy than the next. I said, I'm not because we all have a story but would you want to listen? Because if YOU want to listen, you should be the next Mrs International. Its not your story as much as if you think you are better, I would never listen. If you want to listen to me , then you are outside of you. I am a heart and stroke survivor but I can't claim to walk that path. You are my hero April, my love, my sister and like Lois Lane! Always in my heart.

I can dress the part and be the part but when April showed me her breast all I saw was beautiful. These are the stories and she never told it.

Mrs Alabama 2010! 

To my Bama sister~ from my heart to yours ~ I love you

I could be wrong but I don't believe ANY OSCAR or Grammy has been won from a pageant but I can definately see the birth of a reality star or two or three!

I absolutely love and adore the International pageant system and I have been many the be the unwanted fruit of the year. The difference between the family of International and the on lookers is what they don't see beyond the basket. The Mrs. International class of 2015 was as what it was in 2006, special. Truly just a GREAT GROUP of ladies. No drama, no conspiracies and I loves the true International relationships that continue over the years. Piper, you will forever be such a rock star to me. The incredible beauties that sat with me at the mall and we just talked and we all shared. I was humbled and impressed, I cried and I laughed. You embraced me when you were looking to be embraced and I hope you felt I did you as well. Truly beautiful.

Emotions are ALWAYS a bit nuts after any competition. I am, and stand by it, truly happy for Farabe because unlike a random few before her, she truly was just sweet, kind and beautiful. A heart of hearts and I wish her so much in her reign and I trust after the dust settles and emotions rest, we can all look in the reflection and be blessed for the journey.

I WILL not go into detail but I will say, that an attack on me or my family or me as a Mother just needs to reflect back on the anonymous poster whom seems to be on a hateful, hurtful mission. I do know who you are but my energy is better spent not battling your mission but continuing to be the incredible Mom, Wife and Survivor I am. The minute you care to sign your name, I am open to the public forum you care to chastise me in. Cyber bullying is a cowards approach to hate and you are kind of making me laugh. A few years ago, you did get to me, today, I consider the source and by every APA, MLA guideline in the book. Your so not worth reading. BLESS YOUR HEART.

With all y heart~D

What is my Competitive Edge? The Competitive Image of course!

I have worked in Health and Beauty for a VERY long time. At Shop at Home I was the Director of Merchandising for Health, Beauty, Fitness and Apparel. I LOVE fashion but as I am not the "model" figure I figured out long ago its about figuring out what is right for YOU. What works for 6 feet and skinny may not be your friend and dare I even need to mention vice versa. This post is about interview, stage and pageantry but I do want to address day to day (or real life at a later time)

I have been working with Joey, at the Competitive Image in Dothan Alabama since 2005. He has dressed me for singing competitions, Mrs. International, American Heart Association appearances and so much more. As fashion has evolved, so has my style and Joey is cutting edge and I do want to address HAS ALWAYS WORKED WITH WHAT I COULD AFFORD.

When I look back at all of my best, it was because I was dressed by the best and by someone who "got" me and what I was looking for.


I have NEVER felt more beautiful thanks to the Competitive Image and Clay Spann makeup this year! All my pieces were provided by the Competitive Image in Dothan, Alabama (Makeup, Clay Spann) so even with ever rehearsal, I felt prepared!

With all my heart~D

Whats behind my SKINN?

Makeup by the AMAZING CLAY SPANN! No photoshop! www.clayspann.com 

 I was asked all week about what I use on my skin. I am originally from Florida so I have seen A LOT of bad skin. I admit, I too spent too much time in the sun and grew up in the era of sun in and baby oil but I learned at a young age the importance of skin care and sun protection. My Grandpa, Pappy on my Mom's side had skin cancer. I also am EXTREMELY fair skinned. Hard to believe my Mom was native American Indian. My Dad was British (Pemberton) so I definitely got his coloring.
 I started my career in television and that transitioned into buying for health and beauty for over 20 years so I have tried and tested EVERYTHING and I am a junkie. I love product. Its vital and your skin is your largest organ so we must FIRST protect it. SKINN skincare is amazing! I do want to address the sun and stress the importance of SUNSCREEN! I placed top 10 last week at Mrs. International and ALL of my tan was due to a spray tan. Its healthy and the smart way to get that summertime glow. I am a huge fan of exfoliating and practically addicted to SKINN's  DermAppeal! Its a Microdermabrasion treatment that leaves your skin like butter! I follow with Collagenesis! All of these products can be found on www.skinn.com. Great skincare is key and sets the perfect foundation!

 Next up is my Clay Spann makeup! Its the perfect palette! Clays dual finish compact foundation supplies full and flawless coverage at very affordable prices! What I love about the shadows are that they last and do not crease. I also love the more natural lip. His lip liners are just the best and can be worn with his lip glass(love the peppermint smell) or with one of his many shades! www.clayspann.com

Making those heart healthy choices radiates to your skin but we also must take care of our bodies as a whole! Don't forget to take care of your skin! Everyone is beautiful!

With all my heart~ D

What an amazing WEEK!

Mrs.International 2015 with her Top 10 to include me:)!!!!!!

 

Congrats to Farabe Algor your new Mrs. International 2015! If you spy me, that's right, I made TOP 10 out of 65 beautiful, amazing and stunning ladies. I am so proud to have been able to share my message about Go Red for Women and the American Heart Association but I want to take a moment to give you a peek in to the heart of our new queen.

With Mrs. International before she was crowned (this was taken on Thursday) stealing some love. Farabe is just that amazing!

This is Farabe. The one I met last week. Yes, she is stunning and fierce. Married to a West Point grad like my hubby:) My gauge. My son. My son is special needs and she took the time to not care about her hair, makeup or surroundings and just gave him so much love. I was honored to become her friend and she is the sweetest and most humble person. Yes, it is quite annoying she in fact is that flawless and that kind but she really is. DARN IT! I have a serious girl crush.

Announcing of the Top 16!

Announcing of the top 10! (Thank you Joey for my Go Red dress form the Competitive Image!)

I have been involved with International for many years and this class was truly amazing. Farabe, Tiffany, April, Trinity, (April, Trinity...EMMA:)) Amber (butterfly kisses:)), Keri, Sarah, Shirlene, Megan, PIPER:),Lindsey, Jill, Andrea, Christine,  Janet, Jessica, Melissa, Kimberly  and the list goes on and on. Where is Thailand? (some will get this) I loved her!

Top 16 waiting backstage after on stage question!

This was truly an amazing week. Thank you thank thank thank you to Clay Spann and Joey Reutherford for my AMAZING wardrobe, love and encouragement. You gave me the Competitive Image! I love you SOOOOOOO much!

Waiting for the announcement! Who will it be?

Joannie Summers and Deborah Vails I have no words! You are friends beyond friends and also International sisters thank you for being here, helping me, loving me, believing in me and tolerating me! I just love you and thank you so much for taking YOUR time, XOXOXOXO

Joannie and Deborah! I love you!

With Joey and Clay from The Competitive Image and Clay Spann Photography! (Ms Terry is behind the camera!) I love them all. They are not all the best but just the best PEOPLE in the world!

Here we are! Your top 16!

Joe and Dimitri from SKINN Cosmetics, seriously I am beyond humbled, blessed and grateful for the years, the journey and what is yet to come!

Mary and Mel~I will never covet the big crown but the crown I do covet is my heart with you and the International family. Thank you for always welcoming me to your table.


People often don't get was has not been "gotten". Why chase a dream that clearly may seem so un achievable?  Pageantry falls so in the realm of...huh????? Its what you do with those dreams. Its what you do with that voice.

Negativity lays within the voice within. Its not the voice spoke. Speak out. I was told, unfortunately  by a former Mrs. International you not worth the air I or anyone breathes and you will never dine with Mary or Mel. It crushed me. Literally crushed me. (little did she know I already had with Mary and she does not roll that way) but just toxic.

With Beverly, love her! Director of Illinois International pageants!

Mrs Tennessee 2006 Joannie Summers and I and one of my dearest friends in the world!

Class of 2006 was in the house!

On stage question outfit! (Competitive Image)

I love this Women! My inspiration! Mary Richardson!



With Mary Richardson and Hilary Grant!

Me and my Mr International!

With Joannie getting cheering on Mommy and Daddy at the theatre! Go East Coast!

I just want to encourage anyone reading this post to believe that you can do anything, You can be anyone you want to be. Even when conspiracies happen, let your light shine through. This year was my fight song and I think all of my sisters of 2015 shined in a way that lifted me and the greatest gift is when I was called to top 16 was the applause from you. At that moment, it was my 15 minutes. This CLASS was soooooo selfless. That was my winning moment. Thank you . I love you and I will always be here as your big sis!


With all my heart~ D