Aren't we all damaged goods?


I have spent my life wondering, hoping and dreaming. My Dad always said if you give up your dreams you die. Amongst all of the childhood dreams and adult hopes I can't help but wonder, aren't we all damaged goods? We strive and dream but how do you make that a reality in an engine that is already set for premium gas?

I am a singer, not the best, not the worst....a writer (see the aforementioned), a Mother, wife. sister and daughter even though they are no longer with us. I have heard...too fat, too skinny, too pale, fix your smile, you must be sad, you fought with your husband, omg....and the list goes on. But in retrospect, aren't we all damaged goods?

We start out life with a clean slate and some like my son have fought daily. However, once life greets you, you just seem to take what others say as a testament as to who you are. Why do we do this?

We give that right to people that we don't know, strangers when in fact that right is OURS and only OURS. No one defines you. You define you and that definition will never be found in websters.

Why, because we are ALL one of a kind. Your God/my God blessed us with that quality.

You have 5 seconds from success and 5 from failure. The choice is always yours.



PS- on a side note, another employee from my ex company was let go but this time via phone call. Altleast I know it wasn't just me or "pageantry".

So we found them, Carters glasses. He actually picked them out himself as when I was trying frames on him he had no problem telling me what he liked and didn't like. Ok so he got his lungs from me:)))) Minus the obvious tags, his Mini Pearl look, these are the winners. They should be in soon and he world will continue to expand. What a blessing. (His ROP surgery went well so he can see; however, he is still nearsighted.)

Onto my fright of the day. What the heck, a plane over shot landing by 150 miles because EVERYONE in the cockpit was using their personal computer???????What???? Are you kidding? If you cannot text while driving, what makes them think that being on your personal computer for 80 MINUTES while FLYING is acceptable???? I question what they were looking at that was so distracting....hum.....

As I sit here in the dim light writing this, I am left to wonder about the world we live in. It saddens and frightens me about continued deployments to Afghanistan and the reasoning behind it. Andy has deployed 5 times with two being to Iraq and yet it may still continue. Deployment is so hard on families. Pre-deployment involves training which is also time away. Andy was gone a few months back for training and whether it is to the next state or another country, gone is gone...especially if you have children. I am so proud of those who serve and have served and yet I feel remorse for the lack of awareness that is out there for the military and their families.

Andy was in Dover not just the one day but went back the next as well. Three more lives lost and returned back stateside yet nothing is shown on the news. Sure we hear about the helicopters crashing and 14 being killed but they are owed the honor of using their names, recognizing their families and the heroism of each one of them. I know the media is not allowed to cover the return of the remains but if they did, reality might hit as to a world that exist outside the vision that the government wants us to see.

There is a world out there that is beyond the realms of what we see on the news, hear in passing or on the cover of a magazine or newspaper. At least not anymore. We/I get caught up in the day to day activities of life without taking into account why I am able to think about mundane activities or about why "I" am having a bad year.

Tomorrow my husband is going to serve as an escort to a General as he welcomes back to the states a 26 year old soldier, a Father and a husband. He will meet his family and will know about his service. He will know he was a great man who served this country unselfishly. He will welcome him back to the states with honor and pride.

He will not be able to shake the hand of the great man, the hero, the Father, the Husband, the Brother, the son for his remains will be draped in the American flag.

The next time I think I am having a bad day, or want to complain or feel sorry for myself, I will remind myself of what a bad day or year it actually is.

Please pray for all who serve and for the family that will welcome the remains of this great hero to our country who lost his life this week serving our country.

So my in laws just left and I am staring at the treadmill. Once I remove the coats, I shall get back to working out. Its amazing how long Thursday to Monday can be when you don't work out. Getting back on the wagon is a tough call when it works so nicely as a hanger:))))

I have a pondering, frustrating question....where are all the cute boy's clothes? Because winter decided to expose itself early, I am suddenly faced with the challenge of finding a winter coat for Carter. Instead, I ventured out to find that in one aspect of the world women (or girls) dominate. There are so many cute girl clothes and a plethora of the one's on sale yet NOTHING for little boys. So I am left with the search. Thank goodness for the Internet. Who would have guessed that in a male dominated world that women finally rule in one aspect, clothes...well I guess I already knew that:)

This brings me another clothes issue. Be it that my life is in lounge wear these days, I have of course found my favorites. I never knew there were so many choices and so many different levels of the , "hey, I got out of my pajamas today and put on clothes that look just like my pajamas but in solid colors" options. I can go to the store, workout and sleep all without ever changing!!!!

I love the Victoria Secret Velour's. Not the pink because I am over 21 and after having a baby the letters PINK in bold letters written across my backside well it just does not appeal to me. I thought I found the perfect collection then the ultimate betrayal happens. Case in point. You buy the perfect grey pair. They fit well, look respectable and have the correct size written in them. aka...the "perfect pair". So obsession hits and you return to buy yet another. This time in black because lets face it, black in anything is always good. So you run home to put on the perfect pair. Same size, same store just in black. So you rip off the tag and shove it in the side of the garbage basket so your husband does not know. Excitement builds and you start to slip them on. Then ...tada....they are smaller that then previous pair that you purchased from the same store and they are the same style. I am now left with a pair of too small pants that I am still wearing out of sheer determination because I could not return them. Why does this happen? Ugh....I have come to learn that the more expensive the designer the smaller size I can wear. (this is a justification for inflated prices that encourages women to buy and does not apply to most pageant wear); however, consistency from the mainstreams should be mandated by quality assurance. The only exclusion...jeans and swimsuits. They should always run big so I can feel small.

Friends and Family,

It is that time of year to reach out and thank our brave men and women serving our country in foreign countries. Tennessee Marine Family, an organization that I founded in 2004, is having our Christmas Package Drive. We need your help collecting items and we would love to have you come out and help pack the boxes with us on November 21st. It will warm your heart!!


TENNESEE MARINE FAMILY

HOLIDAY CARE PACKAGE DRIVE 2009 – GROCERY LIST
www.tnmarinefamily.org



HERE ARE ITEMS THAT HAVE BEEN REQUESTED:

Tea Bags & Hot Chocolate

Christmas Stockings – regular size
Slim Jims/ Beef Jerky
Crackers and Easy Cheese
Kraft Easy Mac
Instant Soups (in container)
Pouches of Tuna/Chicken
Spices (onion powder, garlic powder) NOT large sizes
White Athletic Socks
Chapstick / Lip Balm
Small Packs of Baby Wipes
Foot Powder
Disposable Cameras
Sunflower Seeds
Canned Spaghetti / Ravioli
Vienna Sausages (NO PORK)
CD’s, DVD’s
Travel Sized Hand Sanitizers
Inexpensive Hand Held Video Games
Eye Drops
Pre Paid Phone Cards
AA Batteries
Hand Warmers



WE ALSO INCLUDE CARDS, LETTERS AND DRAWINGS FROM CHILDREN AND ADULTS. THIS PERSONAL TOUCH IS A FAVORITE WITH THE TROOPS! THIS IS A WONDERFUL WAY FOR YOUR GROUP, CHILDREN OR ORGANIZATION TO SUPPORT OUR TROOPS!!




IF YOU ARE NOT NEARBY AND WOULD LIKE TO DONATE FUNDS TO HELP DEFRAY THE COSTS OF POSTAGE YOU CAN DO SO ONLINE VIA PAYPAL, OR DONATIONS MAY ALSO BE MAILED DIRECTLY TO:



Tennessee Marine Family
PO Box 291021
Nashville, Tennessee 37229-1021




Tennessee Marine Family is 501 (c) (3) under the Internal Revenue Code. All donations are tax deductible.



THANK YOU FOR SUPPORTING OUR TROOPS!

Semper Fidelis



The package drive is:

Saturday, November 21

Lunch at Noon - Packing the Boxes Begins After Lunch


LOCATION:

South Gate Baptist Church

3654 Murfreesboro Road

Antioch, TN 37013

Please go to the TMF Events Website at www.tnmarinefamilyevents.org for additional information.

Thanking you in advance for your support!!

Donna Clemons
Proud Mom of Sgt. Zach Ross - Currently on his 5th Tour of Duty
Proud MIL of Sgt. Tram Ross - Served 3 Tours of Duty and Home Now with My Awesome Grandson!!

Based on my year you can imagine my utter excitement when someone from the MD/V/DC area won the lottery. I thought to my self, this must be it! Finally a break. Well not so and instead a weekend with my Mother in Law. My year continues.....

So after sending out numerous resumes and still in utter shock of how some can treat you, I have come to realize among all of my grammatical errors that life goes on and my situation is not one to dwell over. It is life, right?

On a lighter note, Carter is doing well and dressed in his Steelers outfit. These days with the BUCS doing so poorly, I will give it to my husband. We are trying to find solo bini glasses for Carter (not covered by insurance of course) but I am sure Carter will be so cute in them. As I said before, Harry Potter sports them well!!!!!!!!!! So Carter will be styling!!!!!!

Tomorrow is Monday and the start of a new week. I keep having flashbacks of last week and questioning how do you beat a corporation that changed my job when I got pregnant and used charity (which is what pageantry is about) as a reason for termination. Although funny thing is ...NEVER mentioned that when letting me go but just I needed to find child care as a reason but hey...I am starting a new week. They will probably win. I am home with a disabled child who wanted to come back to work and my husband is active duty and yet my old boss got promoted. Who am I to argue.

I need to move on. They won the battle.

I come with a D battery


The one thing you really never read about before children is that EVERYTHING and I mean EVERYTHING comes with a battery. Much like a great conspiracy theory, not just one battery but MANY and not all the same type. Whether it is the bouncy, the swing, the play mate it is a battery free for all!!!!Mental note to self, if you ever have another child...REGISTER FOR BATTERIES and a lifetime supply if possible!

So Andy is at Nascar with his buddies and I am with my Mother in law for the weekend. I will leave it at that as it has been just a horrible week and has ended as such. I am in hopes that the sun will shine tomorrow and I continue to have a roof over my head. Yeah! Season finale of Army wife's tomorrow. Wahoo.... I am a pathetic excuse for exciting but dreams are good.

As a follow up, there are many soldiers that are not home. (sorry, not a great segway); however, we need your help. Log onto www.uso.org. I am singing at HH McQuire VA hospital on December. Please come and say thanks to those who serve. If you can bring clean socks, CD's, Books or anything that won't melt (Iraq and Afganistan may still be hot) please do. Thank you...................

So today was my appeals case from the Department of Maryland. My ex-employer does not want to pay unemployment so there was a version of a hearing. I should have known as it was raining that the day would end up gloomy. I got so lost. In my GPS I put in the exact address and I swear it lead me to a neighborhood. So after numerous panic calls, I found the location which was behind a mall.

As I entered I could hear my ex-employer making reference to Mrs International. It is funny that for a company that you can't even access external websites from the office somehow someone manage to find my blog (or as he said someone was looking up personal websites) and print it out. Because I was late, completely my fault, my time had passed to state any rebuttal and the lady doing the hearing was clearly disgruntled with me being late (and I do understand that but I was lost, wish I could take it back) My ex- employer was referring to me doing pageants as an issue. So here is my rebuttal for what it is worth....

She competed in Alabama~ I did NOT I was appointed the title. However, even if I did, pageants happen over weekends which last time I checked were still my time.

Then I competed in Chicago, mind you after I got fired. Most don't know as I didn't publish it but I had backed out of the pageant prior. My son had spent almost 6 months in the NICU and had been very sick so I was concerned with various aspects of my life.

So, I never signed ANY FMLA paper work and was under the impression that I would be returning the end of July. I had kept in contact with HR and was working home. Everything seemed fine and my boss never really responded to anything so I just assumed all was fine. 6 weeks after my son came home. I was let go on the 15th via email and I still have that email after he concluded that he didn't feel I could find adequate child care in that time so we needed to part ways. I don't believe he stated that today but I was late so maybe I missed it. Although apparently he had said I wasn't coming back, which was not true. Heaven forbid you want to do anything to make you smile. You must just be a horrible person.

So here is my issue with everything. I do not believe that returning 6 weeks after my son came home to work is out of line. I offered to return and he said no but I could reapply. My son SPENT 6 MONTHS in the NICU and is still on oxygen and a feeding tube. Pageantry, for the few days of the actual event but the countless hours of community service it has afforded me over the past 10 years, has been my escape in a very rough year for myself. I am a proud Army wife, a Mother of a disabled child and is willing to work 24/7 for my jobs in and out of the home. If their rebuttal is because I do pageants, then so be it. Maybe someone should start to question golfing or any other thing you may do outside the home.

I have NEVER looked for a free handout but to question my integrity, loyalty and commitment to what I do, then you don't know me at all. If I was a bad employee for pageants and the community work I did on MY TIME with the USO, AHA, March of Dimes or Breast Cancer awareness...then so be it, that is their opinion.

When will the government protect those who want to work and have fallen on hard times.

Might I add that my ex-boss has since got promoted. Apparently he succeeded in his budget cuts. Good job.

Can you believe it is only 10 weeks until Christmas!!!!!!!

I will be singing on Dec 4th at HH MCQuire VA hospital in Virginia and I need your help. If you are able to come and help out, donate a gift (socks, CD's, books, a smile) or bring a smile through song or dance....let me know!!!!! This is what the holidays are about.

They gave for us so we should always give for them.

Support the Troops~

With love

Deanna

email me @ deannamlinz@aol.com if you can help!

I have become somewhat of a night owl. I guess I always have been. It started back when I use to model for HSN and our shows were in the middle of the night. Back then, I used to wonder who buys in the middle of the night and now I get it. After hosting a few infomercials myself, I actually have become a customer to a few of the gimmicks. Lets face it, when your exhausted and can only shower in passing AND YOU ACTUALLY ASK YOUR HUSBAND IF YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH YESTERDAY...who would not succumb to the promises of losing weight, erasing wrinkles and being perfect in less than 60 seconds on an infomercial. In the middle of the night, a time when dreams are made, why not dream of perfection????? I say this all while sporting my fitflop shoe that I purchased from Victoria's Secret as I write this. Here is hoping!!!!!!!

So this brings me to my thoughts for today. Yes, I have a few that may not be grammatically correct but are my thoughts....scary as that may be.

Past the infomercials of the promises of perfect skin, weight lose and silky hair there are the ACTUAL commercials (well really infomercials hidden in a 30 sec spot) that really catch my attention. If you are up say at 3am...here is your night.

Law and Order~ the Catheter spot. We have the pleasure of hearing about having to REUSE a catheter. A reason alone that our health care system needs to be re-evaluated!

Without a Trace (love this show. My secret crush besides Anderson Cooper is in this show)~ the male enhancement product. Over and over and over again. As an FYI, overnight time is cheaper which is why it is laced with infomercials. I guess if you are up at 4 or 5 am, maybe a male enhancement product is what you are looking for.

Then there are the disclaimers. I want thick long lashes but if the product says it may change my EYE RETINA COLOR PERMANENTLY to brown, (I am blue eyed), I am not really sold. This also reminds me of the heart or asthma med that disclaim at 90 miles an hour in small print. It usually end in results may vary, may cause death.

So today I am writing MY DISCLAIMER:

Over 25+ Mother. Works hard, lives life, works out and cooks, cleans, changes diapers and has the occasional glass of wine. Weight fluctuates but never past embarrassing and embraces a better living through chemistry. Showers bi-weekly, has all her teethe and can dress up for a noted occasions.Need love, life and laughter. Oscar hopeful, Grammy hopeful and Tony...yes he was once in her life and she might (hahahahahahah) one day win SOMETHING. Individual results may vary, paid endorser, has been known to be a queen.

My entire life, and yes, I say entire...I have strived to have confidence. My biggest downfall has been the belief in myself. Lets face it, when you look around there are those that are prettier, thinner, more accomplished and "perfect" in our minds. This is a factor in every aspect of our lives. Jobs, raising children, heck even going to a doctor...what flaw will they find? I won a pageant once (imagine my utter shock) and the judges critique after the fact went something like this. Change your song, your gown, lose weight and get a tan...but you are really smart. Isn't that what they say to sell a blind date when a girl might be you know......really how did I win?

So this brings me back to the ultimate question. How do you become CONFIDENT without being arrogant? If someone ask you, "Are you beautiful"? what is the answer? Do you you well NO. If you do it comes across insecure and not ready for the job. If you say, "yes", you must be arrogant.

What is the magic touch that makes someone have that "thing" we all aspire to have? How can you have that "thing" and talk about the "it" factor without seeming like you expect it. What is the "it" factor?

Is being "it' just believing you are it or is "IT" really just a noun we describe as an adjective in hopes of giving it more definition? How do we define ourselves?

I was speaking to a friend of mine the other day in reference to the truth about lying. It is so true that we are all born with the unconditional ability to love everyone. Until you stick us, yell at us, deny us from food or make us lounge in a dirty diaper too long, we all love unconditionally. Then at some point it happens. Perhaps Santa can be blamed for the Adam and Eve moment that changes it all but we begin to tell stories that in all likelihood are not true.

So I was thinking what it might be like if we could not lie...There would be no

Santa
Easter Bunny
Fairy God Mother
Charlie Brown
Snow White
Cinderella
Magazine Covers (no photo shop)
Celebrities (because no one is perfect)
Pageant Queens
BAD FOOD
Annoying in laws (because they just would talk to you:)
Happy Marriages (because my husband better always tell me I am the most beautiful women in the room:)


And much more.....

It seems we raise our children on the 70/30/10 rule. 70% of what we say is true. 30% is the hope of what we say is true but may not be and 10% is based on the fantasy that Santa Clause comes every year, Prince Charming/Cinderella does exist and if you keep buying the lottery ticket you just may win because someone must, right?

I am throwing my name in for the Nobel Peace Prize. Here is to the 10% rule.

Military Moms Get the Baby Shower They Missed



Military moms whose babies were born too soon or too sick were treated to a special baby shower at the Portsmouth Naval Medical Center Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU), courtesy of the March of Dimes and Operation Shower. Moms and dads received baby supplies, clothing, toys, books and much more, courtesy of Kmart and other generous donors.

During the baby shower, the March of Dimes announced the re-launch of Mission: Healthy Baby®, a program designed specifically for military families to provide free pregnancy and newborn health information and support services. The program was developed with the Veterans of Foreign Wars and the Ladies Auxiliary VFW.

Today was just one of those days. Sleep has just become a faint memory of the past and the days I actually make it to the shower it is because I am forced to leave the house:)

Carter had his first follow up surgery from ROP surgery Carter had Retinopathy of Prematurity and had surgery prior to leaving the NICU. We are happy as he can see which is God's blessing but we found out today he needs glasses. Because this is not covered by insurance and I have no idea where to find them, I am now on a journey to find someone who carries infant frames so I can get his prescription filled. As I said to Carter,"Hey, Harry Potter has glasses and is pretty cool".

Yes and for the negative nellies out there, it did/does make me sad because as a Mother you cannot help but always think what could have I done to change this. AJ, my BFF ( I just love that acronym:) pointed out something to me today though. Even in a perfect scenario, he could have still had sight issues. Andy had PRK surgery so his eye sight was not good previously.

Love my friends....

Ahhhh...the lovely acrimonious naysayers of the virtual voy world strike again. Gotta love the haters whom stand behind self righteousness and do so with such passion for their causes that they actually forget to sign their names....imagination that???? I am sure they must have just forgot, after all if someone in all their infinite wisdom is so concerned with the well fair of others they MUST have forgotten. I mean who would not want to help a fellow tiara hunter in need????

Geez, as a friend pointed out to me today...are you a rabbit? You mention cabbage???? Come on people.

Lets just for fun define LITERAL versus a comedic reference. I am in need of using big words today in light of my new found somber sobriety so why not??? Nah, I'll just stick with my metaphors and throw back a few while I write.....

Just because you make reference to drinking, it does not make you an alcoholic. Just because you joke about your Mother in law, doesn't mean you don't love her and mostly....just because you compete in pageants...it does not mean you don't have a life because I do. I have every right to be sad at times, happy during others and throw back the occasional glass of sparkling water:) Did I mention I have been known to eat pizza too???? Yep thats right, a carb has crossed my lips. Oh, no....strike up the band.

We are Mothers, Wife's, Daughters, Sisters and occasionally a showered version of all above. Relax....Hypocrisy is those who judge on the sideline through a mountain of glass that will never break. Why, because it isn't real. The world they see themselves through is one that doesn't exist.

Perfection is your God, my God. Past that I am still a work in progress.

Now pass the Vino....

It hits me sometimes how self righteous I can be in my own right. I sit back and judge , wait to be judged and then judge those who judge me. Really, it is all about self judgement.

This year has been an incredibly hard year for me yet I wouldn't change a thing. In my own self pity I miss my job, my dream of becoming Mrs International( don't laugh...its not about the crown but about the gift to be better tomorrow than today and yes I realize a crown does not make that. I certainly learned that this year harder than most)and just a breathe of fresh air I crave to breathe every day.

I am so far from perfect but I think that memo is well spread. What I am continuing to learn is that life gives you challenges and God knows what you can handle. For me, its memories of the past and hope for the future.

My Mom was found deceased in 2004 at our home at 56 (from renal surgery due to congestive heart failure. They think she had a clot) and her boyfriend killed himself 2 months later, my Dad died of a heart attack in 2001 at 54, my Brother who passed that I will never know but I still have the MOST amazing BIG Brother in my life and my sister Denice...I never wish to rekindle your story but I really hope you find your peace and I love you.

Tonight I am purging because we have choices in life. You make time for what you want to make time for in life or your make excuses. Choose love, life and faith.

Tomorrow I am back to shampoo.....checking out on drama in 2009......xxoo

Daily kick to the gut...

So an ex director (not mine because I never won her state pageant...of course) preceeded to tell someone that hey ( as a reference) ...my first runner up, who was a finalist at nationals the year prior and went back and did NADA.. In 2006 I was top 10 and 2008 3rd runner up. I had a baby and many blessing. Not my best year and would not change anything because I have Carter. I hate judgement of the unknown!

Different judges, different day, did she not get the memo?

Just made me sad today...to steal a quote from a country song...find out who your friends are. Got it, I am not Brittany but it hurts just the same.