Drop some pounds.....

I often look at myself in the mirror and HATE how I look. Yes, this stems from a lot. First, I am female and I think we are just raised to want to "look" like the cover or the celebrity or the "it" girl. I am not ashamed to say but I was bulimic as a teenager and even into my 20's. It killed my vocal chords, gave me an ulcer and one day after SEVEN years, I was able to stop. I will thank God for that and based on my conversation from yesterday I was reminded of my "triggers". I am so insecure. I don't think I am ugly or obese but I have cried feeling that I was more than once in my life, even recently. Why, I allow others to make me feel that way. Someone leaves you. Trigger. Someone tells you your not worth the air they breath. Trigger. Just feeling alone. Trigger.

This brings me to a conversation I had yesterday. I want to say I actually truly like this person but "said" person directs a pageant that I competed in. (NOT INTERNATIONAL) The state pageant is coming soon and I have to admit I do get the itch. Since I placed before, I asked how or what I should change. She was honest in her answer. DROP A FEW POUNDS.  Me being me after I quickly got off the phone and stated, "she called me fat!"....I had a sleepless night.

I am a size 2 or 4. I am "chesty" but that won't change but a 2 or 4. I am built like a gymnast. I grew up skating and dancing so I am athletic in statue but drop some pounds. Its was not like tone up it was like DROP SOME POUNDS. As if my butt was Texas and friends.

This brings me to pageantry and why I do it. Starting to question! How can you EVER win if A~you are not 6 feet tall and  B~you always need to drop a few pounds. Right in the gut. I'm never going to be the perfect 10.

My instinct this morning was to run to the gym and I will as I do but my first instinct is to be MOMMY. So I guess that is the ONLY title I need. The one that matters most!

~from the heart~D