It's always been hard for me to share the core of who I am yet I seem to wear my heart on my sleeve. I am a walking contradiction. Strong in spirit and weak in reality at times but not all the time. When I was a little girl I just wanted my Parents to be proud and happy of me and of themselves. My Dad was so strong and stubborn. He had his demons and family was tough at times but to the core he inspired me. He shut off (a familiar guy trait), a gift I am glad I don't have but in some pretty deep scenario's he became my Daddy. The one I thought I never had. Maybe this is why I chased him even when they moved and forgot to give me a forwarding address. Approval, love, he was my Daddy. He did so many little things and some pretty big that offset anything else. I think that is called being a parent.
My Dad owned a business and was 54. My mom had been sick for many years and my Dad even made a room in their business for when she came. I never doubted their love for each other. He was the healthy one.
I was working at HSN as a beauty buyer and his business was on the causeway not far away. I still can't remember why I did not have my car that day but I called numerous times to check on him and he kept saying to me tell your Mom I'm ok. My Mom stayed home that day and my Dad had gotten upset with an insurance agent and was not feeling great. This started around 9 am. My Dad also cut his finger off a few months prior in a die cutting machine and drove himself to the ER. He was stubborn.
My Dad finally called my Brother around 5pm because he just did not have the strength. In the morning with him getting so upset he blew out a valve and starting going into congestive heart failure. He was filling up with fluid so he just felt full.
We all came to the hospital and my Dads aortic valve was replaced. On the morning of his surgery, I drove across the wrong bridge. It was 5 something in the morning and I was so lost and worried. I sat with him everyday for two weeks. Same surgeon that my Mom had had so it became routine for us of sorts. He never woke back up and I wonder often if he knew I was there.
We were called to the hospital and I arrived first. His blood gases were dropping and I just sat there. There was nothing I could do. That was my Daddy. 2 hours later,he met his golden wings. He was 54 and it was Fathers Day.
I am writing this for a few reasons. One is heart month should not be just a month because it was never a minute, hour, month or year for me. It's my lifetime. The reality is if my Dad would have gone in a week earlier for a stress test or earlier that day because he was not feeling right he would still be here. I am absolutely selfish and a martyr when it come to my parents because I miss them.
Everyday
The day of my Dads surgery I walked outside and took a deep breath thinking he would be ok. I have never taken that breathe again. I really thought he would. I forget where I put things all the time yet that moment comes with such clarity to me.
I talk a lot about heart but as I am missing my family and sitting alone typing this I would give so much to have them here.
The day my Daddy died I lost faith and belief because he was the strongest man I ever knew. In so many ways he will always be.
Heart disease is known as the silent killer but yet it says so much. My Dad proceeded my Mom but both died of Cardiovascular disease and both had valves replaced. I am the third. They say 1 in 3 die of heart disease and I am the one in three that lives yet heart disease is nowhere near silent to me. I hear it in my food choices, my lifestyle choice but my genetics, that screams at me.
As March begins and heart month ends, we should not be silent because it is a great deal about lifestyle and about choices. I look back and think what I could do and can change. I am a human with many faults but each day I am trying to be there for my family, make smart choices and TRY (I say TRY), to work on my emotional and lifestyle stress.
Spring is in the air, somewhere (LOL) but being active, knowing your numbers, managing your stress and managing your lifestyle choices can all to help and save your life.
Your heart talks to you. Please chose to listen~
Here's to your heart~
No comments:
Post a Comment