Carters Story

Its taken me 4 and a half years to really grasp all of this. I always wanted to seem strong, ok, immortal. Its been told that God does not give you anything you can't handle. I've had a lot of one on one internal conversations and sometimes feel like there just isn't an answer. I was not "young" when Andy and I married. Lord knows when you hit 30 there is a flashing light that goes off when you go into the OB GYN office that screams...halt...rotten eggs...warning warning! I find it interesting that we spend so much time early on trying not to get preggers and then when you want to its planned, positioned :), prayed for and then it still does not happen or there are complications. What is up with that???????

Past the I do's, we never tried not to get pregnant. Granted a few year long deployments caused some complications, something's the USPS probably does not want to ship, we got pregnant. A few times. Actually 4. Each time ,always with a bad outcome. Sorry International (actually not:) but it seemed like Chitown was our lucky town. Ironic. It did give me the biggest title of all, Mom. My prince!

When we found out we were expecting again, honestly I just took it as great, here we go again. We did all the genetic testing, we prayed, we hoped and every time we went in they did an ultrasound. I was high risk so it just was the process. I got use to the tech walking out and the doctor walking back in with the "I'm sorry" look. We had been told I may never carry.

I went through a breast cancer scare in 2004, I was not 20, we had already had multiple losses. This was before my heart attack and stent placement. Stress and genetics. I am a faulty vessel.  

As the weeks passed, we just continued to pray and hope. My first scare was Halloween 2008. I went to NNMC because I felt pressure. I did not look pregnant at all and the ER doc thought I was crazy but after verification he was like well you are pregnant, no kidding, but I'm sure your just over sensitive. This coming from Doggie Houser.  So we pushed forward. We received a call on the way to PA for Thanksgiving that it was a boy (amniotic fluid from genetic testing. My niece has vcad). It looked promising.

We went back to PA for Christmas and New Years. At this point I was 21 weeks (ish). I am a stress person and just was. Driving back to Maryland, again, I just felt to pressure. We went to National Naval Medical Center upon arrival. I remember sitting there. Nervous. They took me back and I was dilated. I was not allowed to get up from the bed. At that point life changed forever.

I sat there, or laid in my new upside down elevated position on Magnesium and meds for Carters lungs just panicked. I was alone. Andy was there but in and out and I was just scared out of my mind.

First came the Grimm reapers, the neonatologist, who tell you nothing but every bad acronym, how your child will never survive, how you should have a c-section because he's not viable and by the way, please sign this DNR. Really....NO.

Its so easy in the med field to just see a patient and not see a name. There was a heart beat. I would lay there for as long as I needed. At this point my head was in dreadlocks because, of course, I was allergic to the magnesium and I was scratching so much.

I was there for a few days and for whatever reason, still unknown, they took us off the monitor. Andy went home to take the pups out. I was looking for him in my drugged state and went to try to find him on the pull out bed next to mine and laid down. The nurse woke me up and Andy had just come back. It was that point that it all just changed. Something was wrong.

Besides the immense pain, what I remember is the doctor telling me not to push and you better tell them to run. Them being the neonatologist. We didn't sign the DNR and said to them if he comes out fighting, fight for him. Carter arrived at 3:18am weighing 1 lb 6 oz and 12 inches on January 2, 2009. 23 weeks and when they were intubating him, he pinched them. My fighter.

I love my husband and people do the best they can do but it was a lonely time. I just missed my parents but thank goodness for the family I do have.

Carter spent 165 days in the NICU. I was there everyday. Many times we were told he wont make it through the night, especially after his heart surgery. Three particular times were just horrible 48 hours.

I always told him, you fight for me I will ALWAYS FIGHT FOR YOU. We sang way to much to him LOL and yes a Steeler dressed SMURF was always at his bedside.

We were told Carter would be non responsive, blind, on a trach and basically in a vegetative state for his whole life.

Carter had heart surgery, ROP surgery, a nissen, Gtube placement, laryngeal clef repair, chronic lung disease, cerebral palsy, hydrocephalus and is legally blind.

Today he breathes room air, can see with ever so cute glasses, does not have a shunt, is eating food, walks with a walker like a mad man and just said Momma.
MOMMA

My heart took a toll and gained so much in the process. He is my heart beat.


Miracles happen