As a Mother in the NICU, I feel incredibly helpless and alone. Carter's last 24 hours have been very rough. We were called at 2am because Carter was have respiratory issues. We arrived at the hospital to find him on 100% oxygen and saturating at 48-60. It was once again the feeling of watching the monitors and praying to God to give Carter strength. His color was a blue grey and he was not his fiesty self. Many hours later Carter was showing improvement due to the great care and the power of God. We then found out upon xray that it appeared that one of his pulmonary blebs (yes, that is actually the technical term)ruptered.The room began to spin and I fought ever urge to scream that Carter needed a break...enough. We waiting as if it did not self resolve we would need to have a procedure where they stick a needed around his heart to release to air. This procedure is very dangerous. Again, we sat, watched the monitors and prayed....as of right now, at this moment our little Carter is stable. I can only judge everything on a moment to moment basis.
As I sit in the NICU I think a lot. Not always good if you live in my head. I am terrified 100% of the time and blame myself for the struggle of my child. I know I have been told it is nothing "I" did but the feeling is always there.
Andy and I feel so blessed for the love of family, friends and prayers. This is truly what gets us through each day and gives strength to our little miracle.
Today we are exhausted....but Carter continue to do all the hard work.
Lois is here this weekend.
Much love-
Deanna, Andy & Carter
4 comments:
Deanna(and Andy) I am touched by your strength. You are remarkable parents. Carter is very blessed to have your love. With all of our prayers and his strength your son will make it through this and be home in no time. I will continue to pray for your family. God bless you all.
Hi Deanna,
I just wanted you to know that you are being prayed for. I cannot imagine what you are going through and I wish I could take away your pain. However, I have been depressed, withdrawn and suicidal before. Please try not to allow these feelings to conquer your thoughts and mind. God is there and ALWAYS will be despite what happens. Remember that He has a purpose and plan for your life and everything that happens within it. If I can help in any way, please let me know.
Praying for you...
Deanna ... I am praying for you and your family, especially Carter. While reading this, all I could think was "I could have written this" ... I tried to explain to some people about the "moment to moment" situation and for some, it didn't sink in. It really is an hour to hour, day to day ride and it is draining. I want to say to you "get some rest" but that would seem hypocritical of me because I never wanted to get any rest myself - I wanted to be by my child's side, knowing every victory and every stumble he was having. I too had to work thru blaming myself for my child having to go thru what he did - Why couldn't my body function correctly? No one could even give me a definite answer for why my membranes ruptured at 23 weeks. The whole thing makes you feel so many emotions and completely drains you. I just want you to know I understand where you are and that you are so right in holding onto your faith in God, that is the ONLY thing that will see you and your family thru this. Without God and the prayers of people that loved us (and some that don't even know us) we made it thru, and I am believing that Carter will make it thru also. If you need an ear or to just vent, I am here!
Leslie
Still here...still praying
much love
Joy in AL
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